Examining Preconceived Notions of Bearhood and Masculinity

BWM contributor Jason Arnold examines his own gender biases and those of the bear community at large.

“Why are things so complicated today? Why does there have to be all this talk about gender, spectrums and pronouns? I am so confused over all this”. During a recent group luncheon, I overheard this conversation between a group of men ranging in age from their 50’s to 70’s where this very topic was front and center. As I sat eating my lunch and listening, I began to wonder, are things more complicated? Why are gay men, specifically masculine presenting, made so uncomfortable by those who do not find themselves on the binary? Those who rebuff the construct of there only being two genders.

I work with an LGBTQIA organization where I frequently speak to groups on diversity, inclusion and equity where questions about gender are always a hot button. One of my favorite questions to start people thinking is a simple one: “who here has attended a gender reveal party?” After attendees in the crowd raise their hands, I ask another question, this time I ask it specifically to the men “who in here has taken Viagra?  Who in here takes testosterone?”; for the women “who is on birth control, hormones?”, it probably comes as no surprise when I ask these specific, targeted questions hands don’t go up in the air. When talking about gender reveal parties, I remind people these events are not gender reveals, rather sex reveals. Gender is yet to be determined, however the sex of the child is known, unless you encounter a situation where the baby is intersex. Minds blown, looks of shock and discomfort overcome the faces of those in attendance.

After a year of speaking on gender and gender conformity, I wanted to explore my own self imposed gender constructs. It started innocently enough; I painted my fingernails. I already stand out for my height, so imagine the looks I got when all 6’3”, 235lbs of me showed up to a dinner with fingernails painted in a soft lavender. Seeing the looks on the faces of my friends, they clearly had questions about this newfound expression I was bringing into a group of masculine presenting bears, but no one said a word. A few months later while I was discussing the body positivity workshop I would be attending was going to have a kaftan night I got:“You are going to wear a dress?”, “no, I am wearing a Kaftan, totally different things.” But what if I had decided to wear a dress, what reaction would that garner? Especially since some of these very same men attend bear events where they wear kilts, which is not only acceptable but seen as desirable and MASCULINE. But my beautiful Kaftan was seen as a “dress”? For the record, if you have not experienced the joy of a Kaftan, please try one! They are amazingly comfortable, and I am stepping into my inner Mrs. Roper energy!

In a prior article, I mentioned how hypermasculine presentation is often higher among gay men than our heterosexual counterparts, especially the bears.  Search any app and you will see men in singlets, tube socks and tennis shoes, sports gear, and a multitude of other representations of masculinity. How can they not? Every ad is targeted to be the best man you can be! Whether through ads for medications to help you cum a thicker load, have fuller erections and let’s not forget the cornucopia of jock straps and harnesses, oh my!  All items geared to reinforce the perception of masculinity.

Among queer men, every aspect of our lives is pushing us to present ourselves as MEN in the truest sense of the word. This even applies to our preferred sexual roles. Don’t believe me? Look at the amount of SHAMING aimed at bottoms, while most tops are seen as the “man” during sex.  We have all seen the memes of the big, muscular man who is labelled as a bottom, while the thin twink is shown as being a top with the inference that even without the body or facial hair, muscles etc., that being a top makes him more of a man than the muscular, masculine presenting, furry bottom.

What happens to those who are gender non-conforming in the bear community? According to my friend Peter, “Masculinity is made up. It is a prison of the mind based in the idea women are lesser. I was at a birthday event a few years ago full of men from the bear community and I found myself being hit on a few times. Attention is always nice, and I was polite and had conversations with many of people there. One of the bears started talking ‘young gays today are such f*gs, prancing in heels, wearing skirts and why do they all paint their fucking nails?’” Peter isn’t alone in suffering the vitriol of men like these with antiquated ideas of gender expression. Peter continues by saying” queer men are every bit as shackled in the prison of masculinity and self-hatred as cis-het men. There is no wrong way to be queer, EXCEPT to be a bigot.’”

What is it about gender nonconforming, queer men that illicit such strong reactions from our fellow bears?  The gay male community is ripe with internalized homophobia that can stem from shame and self-comparison. And behind every hypermasculine and masculine presenting queer man, there exists a younger version of himself who did not feel a sense of belonging in the gay community due to their own perceived flaws. Hurt people, hurt people as the saying goes. 

Being transparent, have been one of those men who shamed others for their flamboyance and MY perception of masculinity,  I remember a time I commented on a masculine presenting man, who had a feminine voice, “he opened his mouth and his purse fell out”. To this day, my face gets red when I think about making that comment and I know I said it because I was using self-comparison of my body in relation to his and feeling less than because he had an amazing body and was getting all the attention.  We are all guilty of allowing our feelings of unworthiness to lash out at our fellow queer brothers for not living up to OUR ideas of how a man should act, speak and behave, both in and out of the bedroom. I am hopeful for the generations that come behind the Boomers and Gen X who appear in my experience to be more open about gender expression and masculinity. While I am not where I want to be in the challenging of my own preconceived notions of masculinity, I have come to see the value and beauty in the man I am, even if when I open my mouth, my purse falls out.