Sober/So-Bear Pride

Author’s note: This is a posting that I did on the Stopdrinking sub on Reddit when I first quit alcohol back in 2021. I thought it was germane to share as we are in the middle of Pride Season here in the Summer of 2025. I have included a few of the responses that I received as well. I’ve also added some tips compiled from around the web addressing how to attend Pride events when you don’t drink.

In 1980, I snuck into a gay bar at the age of 16, and that is where I had my first taste of hard alcohol in a gay setting. It was the Scaramouche, a huge disco/night club in Toledo, Ohio that had a stainless-steel dance floor that looked amazing with the spinning lights above it. It was a scary, but fun night for me as a young gay kid trying to find my way. It was easy for me to get in past the doorman, as the drinking age in Ohio at that time was 18, and I was tall for my age and looked like I was over 18. 

I didn’t have a driver’s license yet, so I did some creative photocopying at my job at a local library and altered my birth certificate to get me in the door. In retrospect, I think that is what put me on my path to drinking and to linking alcohol consumption with my (then) growing sexuality. Back then we didn’t have the internet, we didn’t have phones (that weren’t connected to a wall) nor did we have the acceptance that these past few years have brought towards the LGBTQIA+ community.

Back then, the perceived reality for me was:

If you wanted to see gay people, you had to go to a bar.

If you wanted to be part of the community, you had to go to a bar.

If you wanted to know what was happening, you had to go to a bar.

I remember vividly the unwritten rules of life for a 20 something gay man back in the late 80s:

Afterwork cocktails on Wednesday, see what bars offer food, hang out.

Thursday night, go out, but do not make it a late night, because you must go out the next

two nights and stay out late.

Fri/Sat: spend the day prepping to go out: new clothes, take a nap, etc. Go out after 10,

perhaps 11, never earlier. Stay until- last call at 2 am, or later. 

Sunday brunch and/or Sunday bar league (volleyball, bowling, etc.).

Rinse/Repeat.

Yeah, that was me and my friends back in the day. Many are dead now because of AIDS and some have even died of drug and alcohol addiction. So, as I go through Pride 2021 sober, I am hyper aware of how the alcohol companies are marketing and targeting us in the LGBTQIA+ community, and I now hate them for that. I realize that my sexuality has been tied to partying and drinking for the past four decades, and I need to figure out a way to untie that and move forward.

Is anyone else on here struggling with Pride being sober this year?
What are you doing to help?

How are you remaining involved and NOT drinking?

These are some of the comments that this post received:
It’s nice to hear the voice of someone from the parent generation of LGBTQ+ people. Having lost so many of your generation to AIDS and violence is still painful to even think about.

This is my first sober pride, too. I know already it will be hard to do without the booze. Theres so much hard work going into creating awareness about LGBTQ+ issues, but I see so little attention being paid to the fact that we are statistically more likely to have issues with substance abuse.

I wish it was a more important topic within the community, but alas, people need their coping mechanisms and are very unwilling to give them up. There’s also a certain recklessness within the community – so many needs are being catered to, to include everybody- everybody but alcoholics, it seems to me. If you don’t drink, honey, you’re no fun.

Luckily, for me, there are still some COVID restrictions in my country, part of which include a 10pm curfew. I’ll attend a few events via zoom, where I can stay at home and still kind of be there. If I go out, I’ll pay extra attention to my mindset and my feelings and just leave when I get uncomfortable.

To me, sobriety is more important than participation in the community. Happy Pride! And I will not drink with you today.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, members of the LGBTQIA+ community are 90% more likely to use alcohol and drugs than their heterosexual cisgendered counterparts.

Don’t think the alcohol conglomerates don’t know this.

The alcohol companies literally did the exact same thing with the suffragette movement in the early 20th century. They framed “drinking like a man” as the ultimate act of female rebellion in order to entice the liberation-minded women to partake. It worked like a charm, and being able to “drink like a man” is a feather in many women’s caps even today.

I long for the day when Big Alcohol is treated with at least as much suspicion as Big Tobacco.

I did some research online and this is what I want to share with anyone who may be new to this.

Number one rule: BE AWARE OF YOUR TRIGGERS!

Public Pride events are usually soaked with booze and booze sponsors. Should you stay home?

That’s a personal choice, but if you do go, go with the knowledge that there will be booze and people will be using it as a vehicle to celebrate their own Pride. Do your homework and see if there is a Sober Space to visit if you’re feeling tempted at the event.

Many recovery organizations have a presence at the information table side of the celebration. Swing by and meet some other alcohol-free queer folks. It’s also good to remember to stay hydrated! I learned one summer at Motor City Pride that beer does NOT hydrate you! That hangover the next day was one for the record books. Add to that mix sunburn and hangxiety… yuck. Lesson learned.

If you chose to go to a private Pride event, know that the rules for over-indulging go out the window. You’re also on your own should that happen, as most public Pride celebrations have security and medical staff available to help those that do over-indulge.

This is usually NOT the case at private events. Be aware that this can lead to people who are over-consuming alcohol being ignored and even prodded on to “have just one more” in the name of Pride. To quote my friend Scott: “Drink until you’re sexy!” Be aware of this and know how to get out if you need to.

Always have a way to make that exit, whether that’s an Uber or Lyft, or your own vehicle. If it starts to get dicey, just leave.

You can also plan to go with other sober/alcohol-free friends. Having more than one person abstaining from alcohol will create solidarity and hopefully any temptations to drink will go away.

If you are in a program, see if there is a meeting the day of the event. No meeting scheduled?

Have one with your friends and recommit to doing Pride without the booze!

Also, sometimes it’s good just to stay home. A future entry here will explore what is known as “The Pregnancy Principle” and how that can help with your journey off booze. More on that, and how it helped me later.

Pride is a time to be proud of who you are as a member of the Queer Community. Pride is a time to remember those that came before and lit the path for us to follow. Don’t let alcohol dictate how you celebrate yourself and your Pride, make it your own celebration and stay strong!

If you need help on your Sober journey – please consider this wonderful organization. www.gayandsober.org