Does Hair Make the Bear?
Everywhere you look today, men are sporting beards more than ever before. Do a quick search on most any social media platform and you will see the obsession both straight and queer men have with facial hair. According to a YouGov survey, 54% of men now have a beard or mustache, up from 42% in 2016 and 37% in 2011.
Most people are familiar with the children’s nursery rhyme, Fuzzy Wuzzy. You know the one “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, Wuzzy?” which begs the question, can you be a member of the bear community if you are hairless? Of all the subcultures within the gay community, the bear community has long been one of the most recognizable subcultures due to two distinguishing features: body hair and bellies. But what if you don’t have the body hair, or more specifically the facial hair, are you considered a bear then? Or even a man?
In 2018, twenty years after I made the decision to stop shaving, I was confronted with the reality of losing my beard, my identity, and potentially my place in the bear community. On July 26th of that year, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 head and neck cancer, specifically nasopharyngeal cancer. The cancer thankfully was caught early and as such, the treatment had to be aggressive if I wanted to fall within the 60% survival rate. Had I waited any longer to seek treatment, the odds would not have been in my favor.
As I sat with my spouse listening to the treatment plan laid out by my radiologist, I heard something that for me proved to be worse than the cancer diagnosis itself. The radiation would cause my facial and neck hair to fall out and more than likely it would never come back due to the damage of the radiation on the hair follicles. I broke down and sobbed harder than I had when I received the cancer diagnosis. For twenty years, I had not seen my face clean shaven, nor did I want to.
Before puberty, I was a smaller, hairless, skinny kid who transformed into a 6’3”, 250lb, hairy man. By 15, I had a full neck beard and chest hair that seemed to have come in overnight, and then something far worse happened (at least to a dramatic teenager); my back became as hairy as my chest! I dreaded PE class and those damn shirts versus skin basketball games. To an insecure teen, this opened me up to the ridicule of my fellow classmates and it was so shameful for me that for years I would not take my shirt off in public. It wasn’t until I met other gay men in college that I learned my body and facial hair was not to be ashamed off, but a gift of my genetics. That was when I was told by a friend that I was a bear. There were gay men like me who were hairy, chubby and desirable. Who knew?
When you are diagnosed with cancer, it is like standing in the eye of a storm, this is the place where everything is calm before chaos ensues. I was told that I should shave my beard rather than watch it fall out in clumps. It was one of the worst days I had experienced throughout my journey; and that included having my stomach and chest shaved on the operating table to have my feeding tube installed.
For those who have not experienced the joy of radiation, it burns – and badly! I had a mole and some acne scars on my face that completely disappeared as a result. Oddly enough, the hair that came back first was on my upper lip. I saw this as odd since my facial hair never grew at the same rate that my neck hair did, and here it was, the first sign that my body was healing. I remember going to see my amazing radiologist because hair soon began coming in around my Adam’s apple. I took that as a sign that it might all come back. Sadly, that was not the case. I left that appointment feeling hopeless and sad, that something I had taken for granted was gone. This was also during the time that more and more men began growing beards and most of the men I knew were following suit and so, the beard envy began.
As a history student, especially queer history, after Stonewall, gay men moved out of the closets into the mainstream of society. After the conservative 1950’s gave way to the turbulent 1960’s and outrageous 1970’s, men, both gay and straight, embraced facial hair. While most didn’t go all in with the beards, mustaches were all the rage – particularly among gay men. A quick google search of the adult male entertainers from that era and you will know exactly how the term “porn stache” came into our lexicon.
Which begs the question – why do gay men seek out partners who have facial hair? Because it represents masculinity. Gay men have been chastised by men, both straight and gay alike for not being ‘masculine”. With body and facial hair, we can be seen as equals, not less than. We, in the gay community have done so well at this that we “out masculine” many of our straight counterparts.
For me personally, my beard gave me confidence that I lacked when I was younger. It allowed me to grow into my masculinity and make peace with how I am and how I present in the world. It has taken years for my hair to grow, but it has returned to my face, chest, back and even ears; however, it has not returned to my neck and never will. I have made peace with my post cancer body, my magnificently strong body and the damage it has sustained. From the rapid and painful weight loss during treatment (From 255lbs, to 179lbs in less than four months), to radiation burns that were so intense that I could not eat and only speak in a whisper most of that time.
While I was sick, I made myself a few promises that I for the most part have kept. After not tasting food and getting skinny, I promised myself I would never deny myself food, nor would I be afraid to try new cuisine. I have stuck to that promise and have plateaued at 236 lbs now. As for my body and the hair that grows on it, I welcomed it all back with open arms, although, I would not have minded the ear and nose hair not coming back! This past summer was the first in my life that I did not shave my back, and I wore tank tops proudly showing off my hairy shoulders. I also have not shaved my face clean since treatment.
So, can you be a bear and not have a belly or not have facial/body hair? In my opinion, yes, but it can be made difficult by fellow queer members of the community, including bears. There will be those who hold tight to the perceived features a bear must possess thinking anything less will not do, but those bears aren’t your people, and their baggage is not for you to unpack. The world is a tough place for gay people to exist authentically, a burden that should be lightened by communing with fellow bears, not exacerbated.
