Why I Chose Monogamy
Bear World Magazine contributor Taylor Moore delves into why he and his boyfriend have chosen monogamy for their relationship.
Before my current boyfriend, I had never been in a serious relationship… I had done the hook-up scene for a while and was ready for a change of pace. I wanted a boyfriend, So, I downloaded all the dating apps and started swiping away. I wasn’t having the best of luck, to say the least. Morale was low and I was starting to think, “Maybe the love of my life isn’t in Missouri…” That was until I met SJP. He was cute, had a smile that melted my heart, loved horror movies, and was looking for something more serious. The total package! We matched instantly, went on an amazing first date (on his birthday, of all days!), and long story short, we’ve been together for seven months and I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
A couple of months into our relationship, the conversation about having a threesome came up. At first, I was totally down; I have been in threesomes before, and I am always up to try something new. But the more I sat with it, the more I wasn’t into it. I didn’t want to invite anyone else into our relationship…yet…or ever. And then it hit me: I am for sure a monogamist. But, why? How did I get here?
Before I continue, I want to preface this by saying that there’s nothing wrong with being in a polyamorous, open, or ethically non-monogamous relationship. There are several types of relationship dynamics. Believing monogamy is the only option feels closed-minded and unrealistic. With that being said, here’s why I think I landed in the monogamist category.
Let’s circle back to the top… this is my first serious relationship. Period. I had some internal challenges to get through first before I was comfortable with dating. I didn’t experiment with men until college and even then, I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of dating men. I didn’t come out until my final year of college and by that point, I was VERY comfortable being intimate with other men; although, even after coming out, I still wasn’t ready for a boyfriend. It wasn’t until I moved back home that I decided to take a stab at dating for real and worked on finding the one for me. I knew I didn’t want my first relationship to be too “unorthodox”. I entered the scene wanting to be exclusive with just one person. At the time, the thought of telling my mom, “Hey meet my boyfriend” was stressful enough. Imagine the nerves I would be feeling if I told her, “Hey meet my two boyfriends”. Not a good time. I wanted something more my speed. I don’t think I could have handled competing for my partner’s attention or juggling two men at the same time. To this day, I don’t think I could handle it. I know myself. I’m a selfish person who doesn’t like to share (can you tell I’m an only child?). What’s mine is mine, right? It took some time, patience, and tears until I finally found him. SJP. The search was over and now, we’re going to live happily ever after.
But even when you’re in a queer monogamous relationship, you’re not going to always be perceived as being in one. It’s like you’re in an open relationship until proven otherwise. With the queer space dominated by poly couples and open relationships, practicing monogamy feels behind the times. Everyone has numerous partners, so why don’t I?
When asked why my boyfriend and I chose to be monogamous, flashbacks of the dating scene began replaying in my head. I didn’t want to put myself out there again. Do you know how tiring it is to date? It’s exhausting. Always putting yourself out there and hoping the other is receptive, making sure your profile pics are good, and presenting the best version of you. It took a lot of work to get one person to fall in love with me. Doing it all over again? I think I’ll pass.
On top of the dating scene being less than desirable, I don’t think I am at a place in my life to open my relationship up yet… or at all. I’ve only been with my man for a short time. I haven’t fully experienced the highs and lows of a monogamous relationship. I’m still at the point where I am learning new things about him – from his favorite childhood movies to how he likes his eggs cooked.
However… I am only 26 years old. My experience with love and romance has only just scratched the surface. My thoughts on monogamy could change over time. And Who knows, maybe my boyfriend and I might eventually want to open the relationship and introduce a third, or perhaps more, to the mix. I can’t tell you what the future holds. All I know right now is that I am happy with where things are and okay with keeping the relationship closed.
