Dominion’s Opinions: An Open Letter to A Mediocre Porn Bottom

Dear Dead-Behind-The-Eyes,

Let me introduce myself — My name is Dominion, also known as Ya Brista, and I am a professional porn connoisseur, a “pornoisseur”, if you like. My qualifications? I have watched thousands and Thousands and THOUSANDS of hours of gay porn since the summer I turned 13 in 1984. 

I know what gets dicks hard and buttholes wet. More importantly, I know what gets people to buy your content. None of what I’m going to tell you will require a ton of money, just time and attention to detail. You ready? Let’s get into it!

In a world where your OnlyFans/JustForFans content is in competition with lots of other people, you are falling way short, and it doesn’t have to be that way. To paraphrase the illustrious Diva Rolling Ray, “It’s not even giving what it’s supposed to gave!”

To start with, it’s no fun sitting through 8 minutes of watching you struggle to even get the tip in. Get yourself a person or a dildo that can open you up before the filming starts. People have short attention spans when it comes to porn. After I have lit the incense, set up the surround sound, and slathered myself in bacon fat (judge ya mama), the last thing I want is to sit around waiting for the action to start. Eventually, I will move on to something else, and if it happens too many times, I’ll unsubscribe. If you lose me, it’s hard to get me back.

You seem like a nice guy, so I am here to remind you that enthusiasm counts! Nothing is more dick-deflating than watching your tight little hole getting dug out and the camera pans up to your face and we see you looking completely UNBOTHERED. Even worse, perhaps more frightening, are the scenes where you are being relentlessly pounded by 11, 12, 13 inches (gay gasp!!!) and you’re just lying there. I’d like to think that if someone shoved 13 inches of ANYTHING up inside me, I would at least acknowledge it.

I get that everyone you have sex with isn’t gonna be the sexiest or even turn you on at all, but you’re in this for the coins, dear, not the romance. Your performances give too much Kristen Stewart in Twilight. Your eyes are empty with no light in them. You’re lying there silently like a dead fish, like you’re still fucking in your mama’s basement. Hell, we can’t tell if you are enjoying the sex or would rather have a V8. We need Enthusiasm! Noise! Moans! Passion! Fake it, if you must! 

Porn is funny because it’s so subjective. Some are turned off by the very things that get my dick rock hard. That said, very few are turned off by a bottom who is enthusiastically vocal. But we need more than just words and grunts. I wanna see those legs shaking, those goosebumps rising, and that hole creaming. 

Rip the sheets off the bed, bang on the walls! If you start doing that, your channel will skyrocket. Right now, you’re giving the least, but we wanna see THE MOST! You’re shooting for about a 75% on the Christina Crawford in Mommie Dearest scale. I want to be one of your FAAAAAAAANS!!! Give “ThaKiddz” a show, but be careful not venture into wire hanger territory. Speaking of making movies…

Beloved, good lighting is your friend. You expect people to pay good money to see you get gutted, and yet… we can’t see you. Why is the room so dark? We all know that’s a TownePlace Suites. There are at least 2 lamps in that room by the bed and one on the desk. Turn them on and add a couple of extra lights while you are at it. Before you start filming, look at the scene from the perspective of the viewer and adjust accordingly. 

While you may not be Jordan Peele or Quentin Tarantino, you ARE making a movie. Spend a little money on software so you can edit your videos. Not every second of content you produce needs to be released, just the good shit. And watermark your videos. People can and do take your content and post it on their own twitter feeds and other media. Make sure they know who they are jerking off to. 

And now for the Lightning Round (with Extra Shade)…

Sir, it’s a little distracting to see piles of dirty clothes and other shit in the frame. Also, if you are gonna fuck in the bathroom, at least wipe the toothpaste spit off the mirror and throw some bleach on those black grout lines in the tub.

It’s hard to jack off when I am staring at that big-ass pimple on your ass. I’m gonna need you to take care of that. This goes for other body parts, too. Put on some lotion, trim your nails, brush your teeth. Also, moisturizers aren’t just for people of color (((tactful silence))). Speaking of hygiene…

Baby, a few of your videos smell awful. Now this is just a personal thing, but some of the dudes you have in your videos look like they have a vinegary undercarriage. I am not here to yuck anyone’s yum, buuuut… YUCK!

This is not the 90s. I don’t want to see jacking off videos. That’s what locker rooms, showers, and saunas are for. I also don’t want to see you twerking, posing, flexing, eating, dancing, singing, rapping, or booty popping. Put that shit on YouTube or TikTok like a decent American! Either get fucked or get off the goddamn stage!

What is the point of posting a video less than 2 minutes long? No one likes a dick tease. 

Turn off the fucking TV! I don’t want to hear the news, commercials, or The Golden Girls in the background. If you must leave the TV on so your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/children/grandmother can’t hear you fucking, at least move the camera away from the TV. Really, the only acceptable sounds in your video should be you and your partner(s) noises. Speaking of noise…

I don’t want to hear Cardi B or Beyonce or Taylor Swift (kill me now!!) as the soundtrack to my jack-off session. I know you THINK you are making some sort of high concept art piece, but no. Your purpose here is to make good amateur porn videos and get paid for it, not shitty porn-y music videos. Lastly, and on a related point…

You are not the next porn Spike Lee. Just because your video editing kit came with a bastard amber filter (s/o to Jackie Washington fans) doesn’t mean you have to use it. Nor do you have to use fancy rotated text and other foolishness. Just put the camera on a flat surface or in a pair of steady hands, get your lighting together, and get to fuckin’!

I hope you find these notes helpful. My bill for this entirely unsolicited opinion is in the mail.

Yours in Love (and maybe a touch of shade),

Ya Brista