2019 Subaru Forester: Built tough for lesbians, great for bears too
Let’s just put it out there: lesbians know all about cars and what it means to be butch! For centuries, they have shown us how to take on the bad guys and the evil forces (long before cutie Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones) AND they have always shown us what tools are needed to do this.
Long before the world caught onto the ruggedness of Subaru, lesbians were driving those AWD-SUVs at the X-Games, Her-Games and to Dinah Shore. Those women have always known what it takes to save the planet, and now breeders around the world want ‘in’ on the action by buying up Subarus and trying to put their mark on the brand.
Well, stand back, you suburban moms, The Bears are cutting in line! Yeah, sure, I’m not sure we really can overpower all those career moms who have been taking self-defense classes while we’ve been seating in our recliners eating nachos and ranch dip. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn a thing or two about buying a smart, reliable car, just like our lesbian sisters have done for generations.
“#1 in Compact SUVs” is how U.S. News and World Report describes the 2019 Subaru Forester, and from the world of Not-Fake-News, it doesn’t get any better than that. This car is a classic, ready to go anywhere you want or need to go. Standard this year are so many new features, like an updated 2.5-liter boxer engine (better than an ‘inline’, I’m told), auto stop-start, trailer stability assist (who knew you could tow a trailer), increased rear gate opening width, and Apple CarPlay and Android Auto.
But perhaps the most neato-keano whiz-bang feature on the car this year is the ‘segment-exclusive’ DriverFocus distraction mitigation system, which can literally tell if you, as the driver, are falling asleep or not paying attention. Goodness!
Subaru says it’s like having a ‘co-pilot’ on board to help navigate the drive, but for me, yeah, well, it does seem a bit Orwellian, but welcome to the 21stCentury, nineteen years into it. At the core of this feature are cameras and sensors that watch your eyes to make sure you are focused on the road and that your eyes are open. That’s it in a nutshell. Should all these monitors and sensors see you checking your texts or dozing off, any number of bells and whistles and alerts will startle you and hopefully get you back on track. This is a good thing, really. It’s a preventative measure all meant to keep you and everyone else on the road safe. I’m not wild about having Big Brother watching, but if it means keeping that ditzy teen or crazy old hippie from t-boning me because they were live-chatting with someone they ‘love’, I’m in.
Starting at $24,295, this car can stretch your budget a bit, so the first question you should ask is: Do I really need a car this butch and this tough? The answer might be yes if you live where the weather is rough and your dates are even rougher, or at least work and play in rough conditions. Mind you, the Forester is not for everyone. It’s not for the squeamish, or for those who are overly concerned about how they look every hour of the day. This is a car that likes to get dirty. This is a car that works hard (for you and your bears). This is a car that really can save your arse….
…. just as your lesbian sisters have done, long before you even knew you were gay.
