2019 Nissan Kicks: A kick in the arse without emptying your wallet

Picture it… any bear weekend in the 21stCentury. You need a new car because your ‘friend’ just totaled your beat-up old reliable vehicle because he was trying to erotically asphyxiation himself while driving it.  You don’t want to get a used vehicle because of all the repairs you had to make immediately after you purchased the last one you bought and really can’t afford something new in the ‘affordable’ range’.

What to do?  Starting at $18,540 US, the 2019 Nissan Kicks (which replaced the Juke, a gay fave) could be the answer to your prayers or whatever you do when you are on your knees.

In so many ways, the Nissan Kicks is a very basic car. You get 125 horsepower.  Four doors.  Decent interior room for humans, assuming you really don’t have much in the way of largess (caution advised here for all bears). And not too much of a pinch to your wallet or your arse assuming you are gainfully employed or are still in good graces with mum and dad.

For the money, this year’s Kicks really does come with many features that make it worthwhile. It is a Top Safety Pick designate from the American Insurance Institute for Highway Safety. Automated emergency braking and forward-collision warning are standard (so many other safety items are not, unfortunately).

A 7-inch touchscreen is standard on all Kicks, as well as a decent sound system and other features you’ve come to expect, like Bluetooth.

And for those of you on a budget (who isn’t), cargo room exceeds what you would find with most competitors, meaning your trips to buy caramel corn and soft cotton rear wipes in bulk is a snap with the Kicks.  Car and Driver was able to get 19 carry-on suitcases into the boot of the Kicks when the rear seats are folded down.  Now there’s a visual.

Driving around town, I found the Kicks to be extremely easy to maneuver, and with my largess and presence, that’s saying something. The Kicks is considered a subcompact SUV. Yeah, well, you can park it relatively easily wherever you go.  Again, there is decent interior room for you and your friends – and your stuff. Mileage is 31 city / 36 highway. A breeze indeed.  And a good looker to boot.

Kelley Blue Book says the 2019 Nissan Kicks “boasts plenty of personality,” and for those us who have been called fancy and theatrical most of our lives, that’s code for saying this car has a type of Big Gay Al’s Boat Ride appeal. My kind of car.

And indeed, the Nissan Kick’s does indeed have that special big gay appeal, especially for bears. Sure, you can show up in a showboat with all the glitter and glamour, but if you can’t find a place to park, or worse yet, if you get a ticket that will cost you last night’s tips, nah, you should go with something more practical.

Sure, its looks will fade over time and all the polish in the world may not bring back the glory days of the past bear weekends, but hey, you’ve got a life to live now, and you really shouldn’t be having to pay for it ten years into the future.

I would have ended this review with “Get your Kicks on Route 66” but I fear that many of you just may not get the reference…..

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