2019 Nissan Armada: Your G.I. Joe tank has finally come to life

You can now finally admit that you did more than play combat with the accessories that came with the G.I. Joe doll from your childhood. Perhaps rather than fight enemy combatants, you hosted fabulous desert garden parties, aptly named Dessert Storm. Rather than take prisoners, you played Dungeons and Dungeons.  And how many of you hosted tasteful tailgate parties with those little play tanks? Now you can own a real tank of your own!

The 2019 Nissan Armada is a really, really big SUV, but really, it is a truck with a covering. This vehicle is indeed a Sherman Tank (which honestly was not named after Sherman and Peabody) because, wow, it can roll over anything, and sometimes I could hear a crunch when I did. Still, for its size, it handles like a pint-size thief and holds all the loot you can take from you ex’s apartment before his new A-List boyfriend shows up with his sister and a decorator.

Know upfront that with the Armada, you’ll be getting a V8 engine, and that means you will be burning through a lot of gas (average 15 mpg). Those eight cylinders crank out 390 horses and give you the ability to tow up to 8,500 pounds (3,855 kilograms) without breaking the crankshaft or your double wishbone. Okay, even you extreme chasers aren’t going to find men who are that  big and have that  much baggage, but when you do need to work, or if you happen to be part of a traveling troupe, the 2019 Nissan Armada could be the traveling showboat you need.

For a starting price of $47,100 US, this year’s Armada is quite a catch.  The interior really is elegant, almost to the point where your friends may think twice about bringing their McDonald’s 2 for $5 bags into the car without an extra big bottle of OxyClean (the one with the Olde English accent). Should you actually let them in this tank, they will find the ride to be smooth and worthy of a royal flush; king, queen, jack, jerk and jester included.

To read what Edmunds.com has to say about the 2019 Nissan Armada, you might think those guys were talking about the perfect bear boyfriend. “Sure, it’s big, but the Armada certainly doesn’t drive that way,” those butch men glowingly write. 

“It accelerates smartly, brakes with reassuring confidence, and feels composed and willing on mountain roads.” Sounds like the perfect man-date to me! And I have a sense that many of those boys who hop in those big vehicles know exactly what they are talking about.  Just sayin’…..

There is a third row of seats, but for the bears, I didn’t find it useable.  However, for those of you with baby bears, my first question is: why?  Ways out!  Hey, if you have the courage to have children and raise them, don’t wait to get a Hugh Jass SUV.  Get the 2019 Nissan Armada now and let the other parents know from the start who the cool dads are.

I tested the Platinum 4WD trim, one of the higher-end trims, which retailed for $67,850 US. The exterior color, as evidenced here, was Hermosa Blue, or ‘beautiful blue’ in Spanish. It was a fun little ride, and yes, it was clearly out of my price range.

And since my last five marriages were for love and not for money, I don’t see me being able to afford one of these any time in the near future……