2019 Mercedes Benz C300 Coupe: Karen Walker would be in awwww!

Okay, before you break out the Funyuns and get everything all greased up for the lightning-round piñata party, know ahead of time that most of you probably won’t fit comfortably in this car, if you can fit in it at all. This is a sportscar in every sense of the word.  It sits low to the ground.  It is fast out of the gate and it does not like speed bumps, just like you. It is Rear Wheel Drive, so that right there means that you can’t have one if you live off the grid. Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy….

Performance is everything for this little roadster, and let’s face it: when you are a bear, everything can seem so tiny.  Yet make no mistake: this car is not for the meek of heart, or meek at the dinner table. Just because you will strain to get into it doesn’t mean it can’t eat you alive and spit you out at the next roadside truck stop.

This year’s MB C300 comes with just a 2.0-liter 4-cylinder turbo engine, which sounds tame, but it roars and runs over lesser creatures while still giving you an average 25 miles per gallon, so let that engine open wide.  And be sure to hold on tight.

You can get the C300 as a sedan or a coupe, and you can get it as a hardtop or a convertible. Prices start at $41,400 US for the sedan, with the convertible starting at $51,850 US. Those prices do not include a hoist or other equipment to help get you in and out of the vehicle. The trim I tested, as seen here, came in a lot higher, at $63,675 US, but it had so many extra bells and whistles, like an Exterior Lighting Package, a Leather Seating Package and a Night Package, stuff I normally carrying in my pocket anyway when I hop on a train for a night on the prowl.

You can really spend a lot of money on the C300 without batting an eye, so the question then becomes this: can I afford one?  Hey, I ain’t no psychiatrist, ain’t no doctor with degrees, as Aretha Franklin once sang. Perhaps the advice of the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio is appropriate: Let your conscious be your guide.  Nah, get in and just enjoy.  The credit union will stop you if it’s beyond your means. In the meantime, if you can worm your way into one, let the games begin.

I am truly looking forward to the day when manufacturers make sportscars for men like us who know how to own the road because we really do take up a lot of room. When designing these speed demons, all sorts of calculations go into weight and balance and thrust and blah, blah, blah and, well, I guess that means the cockpit somehow has to be small and narrow in order for it to move faster than a mule train.

On top of that, even in 2019, there is still no way to secure an ice-cold martini glass in the cup holders.