Happy Birthday Little Bear

The year was 1992 and I was turning 21. My oldest brother, who’s also gay, was working as the video bar DJ at a nightclub in Ybor City (FL) named Traxx. The day of my birthday, he looked at me and said, “I think we have something in common. Come to work with me tonight.” I was excited! I had never been to a nightclub before, let alone a gay nightclub, which later I learned was the #1 drag bar in the city. And yes, I had never
seen a drag queen before in my life either. I was a sheltered gay man, the youngest of five children, and I was also extremely overweight, to the point that when my mom made me get a perm in my senior year of high school that some people thought I was a girl.

So, putting on my best pair of jeans and a t-shirt (I had no sense of fashion truthfully at this point in my life), I molded my body into the passenger seat of my brother’s Mazda Miata (the most popular car at that time… or at least that is what he told me) and we made the trip downtown to the club. I remember how loud the music was from the parking lot behind the building, as well as the feel of the bass pushing through my body,
making the whole parking lot buzz with anticipation of what was going on inside. There was a line of people snaking down the sidewalk from the entrance, which was a double door: the right for paying cover and entering and the left for exiting. Since my brother worked there, we entered through the left door. My first taste of VIP. But before I made it completely in, a big black X was drawn on the back of my right hand, since I was only 20 at that moment.

As Bizarre Love Triangle boomed from the speakers, I was amazed at seeing bartenders juggling liquor bottles and placing hello kisses on their customers’ cheeks (or lips), seeing men dancing with men and women dancing with women, and all I could think of was that I wanted one of those kisses! My brother proceeded to introduce me to some of his co-workers and the drag performers and then left me on my own. I danced!

Something I loved to do but never in public, due to my size. But tonight was different. It was my birthday, and I was turning 21 at midnight. Everyone was so nice, and they could sense I was shy and that this was my first time in a space like this. When midnight came, my brother put on Turn the Beat Around, Gloria Estefan’s version… turn it up, turn it up, turn it upside down! One of the bartenders wiped the X off my hand, said
“happy birthday little bear” and then introduced me to something called Goldschläger. Mr. Gold and I became well acquainted the rest of the night. This was also the first time I had heard bear used as a term to describe a gay man. I liked it! When the bartenders called “last call” at 2:45 AM, my brother grabbed me and told me to stay put, by the back exit door of the building. As he gathered all his things together, he found me a few minutes later and told me to get into the car. As I was in a haze of this magical experience, sitting in the passenger seat of that Miata, thinking of the people I had met, the songs I had danced to, my brother broke my dreaming and said, “I’m not going to bring you back here. You’re on your own. I just opened the door for
you. No one did this for me, so this was my birthday gift to you. You need to find your way back on your own.” And you know what, that is when I discovered just how charismatic I was and still am to this day. And I’ve been walking through the doors of my life without fear or hesitation ever since. And oh yes… I found my way back.

Keep up with Julius as he writes about his life as a bear, and journeys across the country to start life in another state. Keep up with him on social too here:

@walkingwithjulius on Instagram

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