The Relationship Between Consensual Non-Monogamy and the BDSM/Kink Community
Consensual non-monogamy, or polyamory and open relationships, are pretty common in the BDSM community. While there are many reasons for this, the main reason seems to be that both communities value communication more than anything else.
The BDSM community expresses the importance of safe, sane and consensual play, for example. In BDSM, things are negotiated, kinks and boundaries are discussed, and “safe words” are used in order to keep both partners physically, mentally and emotionally safe. In BDSM, respect for your partner’s boundaries and limits is a must.
Much is the same for polyamory and open relationships. In order for polyamory or open relationships to be successful, a great amount of communication has to exist between all parties involved. All parties need to discuss and negotiate boundaries around sex and emotional needs, while being commited to caring for and respecting each other’s emotional and physical well-being.
Being in a polyamorous or open relationship requires a certain level of trust that people in BDSM relationships are already used to. It is easier for people who are open about their sexual desires and kinks to be open and honest with their partners about their desire for multiple sexual partners, or even their desire for more than one relationship.
This isn’t saying that vanilla people cannot experience this level of openness, but being open and honest on a level that is often avoided in monogamous relationships is key in a BDSM relationship.
For some, the idea of even suggesting a non-monogamous relationship is a very scary one. Many people will go for years unhappy in a monogamous relationship, afraid to express their need for non-monogamy because of a fear of rejection.
Many people lead themselves into believing that they want a monogamous relationship because they fear that most people would not be able to accept being in a relationship where they are aware that they are not the only one. This fear leads them to believe that if they do not conform to our society’s idea of monogamy as the norm, then they will forever be alone.
The same can be said for people who are involved in BDSM, kink, or leather. People in these communities are often ostracized by society as “perverts” or “wierdos”, making it difficult for many to be as open about their sex lives as they may want to be.
This is another reason why people who engage in any type of consensual non-monogamy have been able to find a home in the BDSM, leather and kink communities. There is no judgment. Everyone is open and honest. There’s no need to hide anything.
Much like BDSM and kink, consensual non-monogamy can take various different forms. In BDSM, there are Dom/sub relationships, Master/slave relationships, and even switch relationships, where couples may take turns dominating and submitting to one another.
Consensual non-monogamy can also take on various forms. There are open relationships, polyamorous relationships, triads, quads, and even “monogamish” relationships – a term coined by journalist Dan Savage to indicate a relationship where two people are not totally monagmous, but not completely open either. Monogamish couples usually make occasional exceptions are made for limited casual play.
Some open and ployamorous relationships can also exist for the purpose of giving partners more freedom to explore their kinky desires. Sometimes one partner can be into BDSM while the other partner isn’t, or one partner may have sexual kinks that fall outside of their primary partner’s interests. Sometimes both partners have different kinks that may cross each other’s limits, and they may need to find others to play with in order to satisfy those needs that cannot be met by one another.
Some BDSM relationships can also include different forms of consensual non-monogamy. Some BDSM couples may share a slave or a submissive together, forming a triad with the three of them, while some may have separate submissives or slaves outside of their primary relationship. Some people may have BDSM “families” where every person in the family may also have their own relationships – whether BDSM or vanilla – that exist outside of that family structure.
There are no solid numbers that I’m aware of, however it appears that many – if not most – people that I have met in the BDSM/kink community engage in some form of consensual non-monogamy.
It is clear that the acceptance of consensual non-monogamy in our society is growing, but there is also a very prevalent number of people who openly invalidate open and polyamorous relationships by suggesting that these relationships are not as real or strong as monogamous relationships, or suggest, in some way, that they will not last.
While there are numerous studies around to disprove these notions, a clear stigma still lures over the idea of consensual non-monogamy, especially in the minds of more traditionally monogamous folks. The stigma is very similar to the one that surrounds the BDSM community, in the sense that it seeks to invalidate the desires of others in order to force them into the societal norm. For this reason, and the many other reasons I’ve stated, the BDSM/kink and open/poly communities seem to remain united.
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