Dominion’s Opinions: For Colored Boys Who Have Considered Suicide / When You are Already Enuf
First, I need to honor the late Ntozake Shange. Her choreopoem, “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide / When the Rainbow Is Enuf”, tells the stories of seven women who have suffered oppression in a racist and sexist society, and is the inspiration for this article. Rest in Peace!
Recently, I’ve come across commentaries from Black gay TikTokers on dating and relationships. @joshkayeuk talked about “Dating as a black guy in the gay community”. He mentions racism/colorism, body dysmorphia, being racially fetishized, and an unhealthy hookup culture as issues he’s faced. Another, @cashmeretote, laments the famous Black gay men (he mentions Billy Porter and Karamo of Queer Eye fame) who don’t have Black partners.
Before we dive in, let me say that I am ecstatically unbothered by whom you choose to date. If he makes you happy, that’s all that really matters. Who am I to judge what makes you tingle in your intimacies? Love who and how you want, but open your eyes to the world we live in. In that spirit, I offer this totally unsolicited advice.
Dear Josh,
You are beautiful, but me saying it and the people in your comments echoing it won’t mean a thing if you don’t believe it. Self-love is key to feeling better about yourself. We live in a world that prefers the white/eurocentric, the male/masculine, and the straight/heterosexual above all else. It’s hard to love yourself when you don’t see the world reflected back to you.
A crasser person (the Real Me) would say you need to stop fucking with the wrong bitches. Instead, I will suggest that you change the world around you. There are a million ways to be Black and a million and one ways to be gay. Lots of gay men don’t like hookup culture and that is totally fine. You can still find love, relationships, and fulfillment without logging onto an app, but gurl, don’t embarrass yourself by getting on Grindr, Growlr, or Scruff looking for a relationship. Instead, meet someone at the gym where you work out, but don’t become that dude that got kicked out of Gold’s for getting gutted in the sauna. Or join a club, but don’t be the guy in the gay rugby league that has banged every wide receiver. Change the circle with which you surround yourself and focus less on sex as a driver in your life.
I’m no therapist, but if your body dysmorphia comes from trying to achieve some white European masculine ideal, then honestly, it was never going to happen. Even if you achieved that perfect body, your skin color will not change, nor will your Black features. The best you can hope for is to be the object of someone’s sexual fetish for Big Black Cock or black flesh in general, which puts you firmly back in the hookup culture you don’t like. You’ll also find the violence that waits on the other side of the coin from fetish when you decide you don’t want to hook up and they call you the N word or call the police because they suddenly felt “threatened”. The journey to loving the body you are in is one that many people take, regardless of the color of their skin, their features, or what their body mass index is. Self-love is the first step in that journey, but don’t be afraid to seek (professional) help. You are not alone.
While changing your circle won’t change the racism and colorism in the world, it can affect your perception of it. When you are surrounded by others with common interests, they reflect back to you and help keep the world at bay (BTW, being gay and/or Black is not enough common interest in this case). It is totally OK to evaluate your friend circle and make changes if you aren’t happy. It’s exactly what I did when I turned 30. I looked around and realized that all we did was go to the bar, talk about who we were screwing, and go to brunch. I wanted more from life, so I purposely sought out those with whom I had more in common than being Black and gay. Blackness and gayness are intrinsic qualities that you couldn’t change if you tried. Therefore, being friends with someone just because of their genetic makeup or interest in the same gender is not a good enough foundation to build a friendship on.
I hope that you find ways to be Black and gay that allow you to feel better about yourself.
Dear Cashmere,
We are going to dash over the fact that you are mad/annoyed/peeved about Black gay men who don’t date/marry Black men, yet you state that you generally don’t date Black men. How Sway? Ultimately that is none of my affair because again, who am I to judge what makes you tingle in your intimacies?
I’ll start by asking why we are even bothered by these men’s choices. Maybe Billy and Karamo only like white guys, or maybe just these guys who happen to be white. Whatever the case, it is entirely their preference, and Ya Brista is unbothered by how any man lives his life so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or adversely affect MY ability to get MY life.
Secondly, there is this big lie among ThaKiddz (Black gay men) that there is some epidemic of Black gay celebrities dating outside their race, which is bullshit. For every Billy Porter, there’s Deondray Gossett and Quincy LeNear, who got married as part of a publicity stunt ceremony at the Grammys in 2014. For every Karamo, there is Lewis Duckett and Billy Jones, who have been together for almost 55 years. If you want more examples, check out this Cypher Avenue article.
Lastly, I’ll note that people tend to date within their orbit. Karamo attended Florida A&M University, but his work on The Real World and Queer Eye likely put him in a world where I imagine there were significantly fewer Black people. The same goes for Billy Porter. How can I be mad about the choices of a man with whom I was never going to interact?
I totally get that your TikTok was more so talking out loud than any sort of anger at Billy and Karamo, so ultimately, I’ll end where you did and say Love who you love, date who you want, and F who you need to. Hope you find what you need!
